Untitled

Sometimes I can still hear him
His mouth brushing past my ear
Stopping a moment to rest
I miss the fuzzy feeling I had in my head
Or the bubbly sensation
I had when he held my hand
Sometimes I can still smell him
Hard work mixed with his Saturday shower
All that musk still fresh on his skin
I miss the cold hands that would brush my lips
Conversations that meant something
And laughter that filled my head
How my heart had been mended
By his so softly attentive love
He stood as confidant, friend, and healer
Showed me how it felt to be beautiful
I miss him being here knowing he is needed
Sometimes I can still hear him
And often I wonder, does he hear me too?

A Future Me

Time is lost in a paradome of night
It haunts me like yesterdays sand
I hate how it looks me up and down
How every eye scowls into me
Years ago but still remembered
I now seek for something new
And the beauty that knowlegde has
To discern the close distance
That a new future lie close
Its gaze so soft as it waits for me
Its warmth surrounds me in embrace
In linger it stands expecting my search
I'm searching for a future me

First Love

My head gets dizzy
The thoughts foggy
Like a stained glass window
It's hard to see but it's still so pretty
The picture I've found, well I like it
It isn't what I thought of
But it's more than what I wanted
The feelings that I get
The butterflies I have
Well that's how I know
That this love is something to feel
And deep inside I know
That what we have, it might be for real
The feelings I carry they make me sick
Love sick, happy, giddy, and strong
They make a different person
One I rather like
You see, this is all new to me
The stumbling and searching for words
The rush my stomach feels
When you're hand reaches for mine
And my skin gets those little bumps
My heart skips and my breathe quickens
It's scary at first
I didn't know how to feel
But now I think it's kinda fun to be in love

I Only Wish

i only wish
to stay in this moment
wait just awhile
remember this day
wash every tear i had away
hold to this feeling
leave nothing behind
pray for more time
get lost in your eyes
keep all the butterflies
share every memory
but a wish is only a wish

Change

Once I laughed, loved, and played
Yes, I laughed
At the dandelions tickling beneath my toes
And at the faces I saw each day
At funny jokes, and simple days
I could laugh until the sun came down
Oh yes, I laughed

Once I laughed, loved, and played
Yes, I loved
The air I breathed and every little thing
Birds humming sweet melodies
And people who meant something to me
I could love just about anything
Oh yes, I loved

Once I laughed, loved and played
Yes, I played
Through the bushes, the trees, and shrubs
With friends who loved me so dear
I ran through life so quickly, I did
I could play all day if you let me
Oh yes, I played

Once I laughed, loved and played
And then my life changed

Traveling Back

Lost in a world unknown
With people all too gone
They don't know me here
And being all alone I fear
I may never get back
To the places I should be
Had I stayed on the path
I would have no need to be afraid
But since I've strayed I need a hand
So I search in the pitch dark
For something to pull me up
Out of the dark away from the ground
For the bright speck of light
The one I used to know
It's up to me to find it again
And once lost it's hard to get back
But I look, I search, and soon I find
Someone who leads me back into line
Thank you for that, Thank you for life
Thanks for Him who led me back to the light

Catching Leaves

My young soul lies under a tree
A whispered willow or a prudent pine
I lie there to look up at the sky
The blue terrain speckled with white crumbs
Drops of dew climbing along my hands
And blades of grass creeping up along my legs
They try to listen, to bear my tears
As the leaves on the tree fall all around
They fall around me like dropping planes
Just like my summer past and lives I'd forgot
Like all those who left without looking back
Abandoning me, but I know the reasons
There are many better things for me
And so I begged and pleaded them leave me be
Which they did falling off the branches one by one
Leaving me alone looking at leaves under a tree

Sweet Tooth

Inside I scramble to hide
The urges, the feeling, the desire
For that one small love
I can lose all control
I'm not sure where it came from
But still the hunger roars
I reach out, I find it
Gone in three seconds
And suddenly I'm fine
The sweet tooth has calmed

Clarity

It's not fair what you've done to me
Making me fall from so high
I didn't expect such a harsh landing
And now I'm laying in the sand
Looking up at the stars
Thinking that it's your fault
That I'm sitting in the mud
Lost and confused in thought
It's too hard for me to focus
Because while your standing there
All I see and hear is you
You don't understand the power you have
A young girl should never be so deceived
And yet I am and I'm not mad
I kind of like being cloudy
As long as it's with you
It's okay I don't need my clarity

You'll Never Know

I am tired, exhausted from the pain
And I complain about the cold inside me
As I lay my head across my empty bed
I'm thinking about all the time that I've lost
With what I thought might be love
You'll never know what it felt like to me
To hold your hand or kiss your cheek
And that flutter that I got when I wore your coat
It's too much for me but I don't forget
You'll never know what it felt like to me
To be in the safe embrace that was your arms
You'll never know that for me it was real
And that sometimes I still get chills
But I know and I remember yet
All the feelings I had on those nights
The ones we spent by each others side
But the whole time you were telling me lies
And I thought you loved me
But you were lying to me then too
So you'll never know what it felt like to me
Because you never did care

The Words To Say

I'm lost inside my own head
Writing down lines that make no sense
Not sure where the words are that I wanted said
So I sit inside my mind where its all suspense
But I'm slowly sinking through the thoughts inside
Hoping that someone will pull me out of this pond
But instead I sat and sat and cried
Waiting for you to say something, for you to respond
Because I'm not sure of myself, I'm sorry to say
It's just me, and I'm confused by my feelings
I don't wanna hurt you or lead you astray
But I'm afraid of the past and all my failings
I'm not good at finding the words I need
And sometimes what comes out is a jumbled mess
I don't know how to let the words slide, how to be freed
The feelings that are held here I have no way to express
So I will sit waiting for the quiet, the ever welcome silence

Watching

He is watching me. He doesn't know that I know he is watching me. But he is. And when I move to sharply or look up to quickly he stops watching. I try to sit still. Because he doesn't know that I like that he is watching. When I glance up our eyes meet briefly. But it's not the same as knowing that he watches me. So I don't move. And I just wait. For the moment when he will notice sometimes I watch him too.

Just Breathe

Though some may say this seems the end
I can only see whats still left ahead
The places I will go and the things I will see
No one will stop me from being what I can be
The life I lived sometimes seems far away
But that's because I'm moving at lightning speed
Sometimes I have to stop just to remember
All the things that I would otherwise forget
While everyone else waits to leave the nest
I'm already gone and quickly moving on
I can see the world as a colorful blur as it goes by
There's never any time to stop and see
Because I've got to keep going
There's too much to do, too many places to be
I try to be me, but sometimes its to hard
You see, I'm only me when I stop to breathe
And on those days I can smile and laugh
Some day those days will be my everyday
But for now I keep climbing, I keep looking
And one day I will find what I'm searching for
On that day I will stop to see and then I will breathe

Ferris Wheel

Riding on a Ferris Wheel
Not sure which direction you go
Around or Up
Down or In
Riding, Riding, until the night ends
It doesn't matter which way you go
No one knows where you will be thrown

Riding on a Ferris Wheel 
Circles, Circles until your sick
It isn't always good to keep the same
So it stops and goes the other way
Up and down, Up and down
Round and round, round and round
Until you've lost what you were trying to find

Riding on a Ferris Wheel
No one really in charge
Telling the machine which way to turn
Sick and tired, hungry and done
But it's scary to say stop
So it keeps going no end in sight

Riding on a Ferris Wheel
There's no one else around but you
Spinning, spinning out of control
There's no one at the reins
There's no one there to tell it to slow
Only you are in sight leaving you in charge
You stop the flight.

Perfect Isn't Fun

My hair doesn't fall around my shoulders in a perfect A. My eyes aren't exactly 1" apart. I don't smell like roses after I run. My makeup isn't fresh when the rain falls. And I don't look all that pretty when the tears run. I'm not perfect. But perfect isn't fun.

I'm silly and fun. I stick out like a sore thumb. I can be loud and sometimes obnoxious. But what difference is that? I am shy and hard to talk to. Sometimes I eat more than I should. And you might find me irritable during certain seasons. I'm not perfect. But perfect isn't fun.

My feet aren't cute, but neither are yours. My finger nails are short and rarely pretty. I laugh too loud and tend to be stupid. I only do my makeup on days that it counts. And more than every once and a while I might eat out. I'm not perfect. But perfect isn't fun.

If you said I wasn't worth it, I'd know your not the one. If you didn't like me for one of my flaws I'd know we were done. But if on occasion you talked about me highly, I'd find out and adore you all the more. So be kind, I gave you my heart. And I know I'm not perfect. But perfect isn't fun.

Unsure

Do I have to know all the answers now?
I hate not knowing myself enough to know what I think
But it's not my fault that's all I can say
It's hard enough to be in this world with all the words
It's much harder when I don't know what to say
To what extent do I owe you this knowledge?
To know my thoughts, my words, and my fears.
You always ask but are you prepared
How am I supposed to tell you
When I am not even sure?

White is Gold

Green is the color of my day
With it's cascade it makes me fly
The dew that sits on the loving grass
It is the color of love's fallen grace
and the shade that picks her up
Green is Yellow.

Yellow is the color of smiles
The simplicity of another day
And the effort I put into me
It's the color of spring butterflies
And the new life they lead
Yellow is Blue.

Blue is the color of torn sky
With it's white splotched skin
It's not sure who it is
It's the color of tear stained faces
And all the pain left in their eyes
Blue is Pink

Pink is the color of a baby's blanket
The soft cotton that covers your heart
With gentleness you can only dream of
It's the color of bright sweet daisies
Coming up fresh in the new season
Pink is Orange.

Orange is the rising sun
In all it's flaming glory
With rays stretching to lift the dark
It's the color of putrid marigolds
The one's my mother hates
Orange is Red.

Red is the color of the heart
that beats with a loud asurety
And races with tender emotion
It is the color of passion
And it is the most fragile of them all
Red is White.

White is the color of beauty
All that is lovely in this world
And anything worth wanting
It is the color of purity
And that is the most desirable
White is Gold.

Drowning

Slipping and Sliding
Under the current
Not strong enough
To bring myself up
I continue to fall
Kicking and scratching
With nothing to grab
I fall through the blue glass
Hitting rock bottom
I try to stand
But alone I can't
He reaches out
He grabs my hand
Pulling me up
Like only He can
He lets me lay and cry
He lets me wait to heal
With nothing to hold
I reach up as he kneels
It's safe to go now
And I know this is true

In Love With Love

I'm in love with you
The things you say
And what you do
But somewhere inside
I'm only in love with love
The desires of my heart
And the knowledge to feel
But maybe it's okay
To be in love with love
As long it's with you

I Dream

I dream...
Of somewhere safe to be
where families are forever
and never torn like paper
and glued together again

I dream...
Of people who love me for me
and respect what i am
where i can stand out and it's ok
and the world just stays out of the way

I dream...
Of places I will go
and things that i might see
Places where I will create memories
of love and peace

I dream...
Of going far away
leaving the comfortable nest
getting on track of what I should do
and living without any regrets

I dream...
Of wandering lost like
and not knowing my way
of being afraid and being alone
Because I'm afraid of myself

I dream...
Of flowers, a whole field of them
and myself drenched in white cotton
ready to plunge into golden roses
and sit in satin daisies

I dream...
Of the future
what it may hold
and being afraid is okay
because that's what it's about

I dream...
That it will be alright
and everything will turn out
because in the end
everything is my dream

Now and Then

Now and Then I pretend
That the stars are glass pebbles
And that the moon is a tidal wave
With the sky as it's ocean
And me surfing through the clear rain
But Now and Then I get lost
In those big huge waves
And I tend to forget who I am
With the world collapsing around me
It's easier to float on those pebbles
Then to live in the harsh reality
That's why Now and Then I escape
To the safety of my mind
Where I can dream whatever I want
And there's no one there to judge
Because Now and Then I like to dream
I am the only froot loop in the box
So I can be noticed by everyone else
Because when the world is full of no ones
It is often difficult to be a some one
And Now and Then I know
And they know who I am
I am a daisy in a bed of white roses
I am a red pen in a box of pencils
And I know it's okay to be different
Every Now and Then

Racing

Hair whipping around my face like glass
The air buzzing in my ear like a thousand bees
Everything a blur as I race past others
All wishing for the same thing
The freedom we will feel when we cross the line
Reaching out our hands to touch the flag
Pushing down on the gas to get speed
And hoping that its enough to win
Not really knowing why we go
Just knowing the adrenaline high
As the light turns green
Off we go away from the world
One last turn and I'll make it home
And thats when it happens
My world comes back to reality
As my head turns against the wind
And the alarm wakes me up
Time to get out of bed

I can fly

I can fly. Anywhere I want to. Way up past the stars, the sun and the sky. Way up to where the world stops its taunt. I can fly. I don't know where its taking me. And no matter how hard I try. I come smashing down, falling free. I can fly. Sometimes way up clear to the moon. Other times just not quite so high. That's ok because not far below is where my dreams loom. I can fly. Sometimes even if the world doesn't know. I will always give it my best try. And with or without help up, up and away I go. I can fly. And don't worry I will. I won't let you down. I won't see you cry. Because no one else knows what I can do.

I'll Be There

Someday when I'm gone
You might not think your strong
But when the light gets dark
And you feel as if your all alone
I want you to know
I will always be there
In the mornings first clouds
And in the whispers of the willows
In the soft pink light that hits your cheeks
And in the dark grain of the maple tree
In the auburn that the leaves will turn
And in the softness of the wet earth
In the crispness of morning dew
And in the drops of crystal snow
In the dandelions growing in the grass
And in the speakings of the gnats
So don't run out, it will be ok
I'll be there, you'll see.



Pray

Airborne bubbles trail through death
Softly shining in the dark
Hands murmur and sing
Time's long moving
Strange whistling air now free
I pray in the simple quiet

Your Looking At Me Instead

I'm falling asleep to the hum of the car motor
with my head on your shoulder,
your hand tapping on my skin
to the beat of another love song
your head moves so you can look over
'cause I'm just so pretty when i'm tired

I'm looking at the colors of the world
but you're not, you're watching me
the color of red that my cheeks turn
when the bright shining sun hits them
and the way my eyes turn purple
as they close under the beating heat

I'm reading stories of beatiful places
while your thinking there's nothing better
then the color of my skin against the grass
the way my arms get nervous across my chest
and how I can't help but laugh
even at the simple effortless things

You're just simply holding my hand
but even that makes me flutter inside
the way you smile when I meet your eyes
means more than the world to me
and telling me you love me with your laugh
it's all more than I could ever ask

Letting Go

A day dedicated to your heart
Only it won't ever sing again
Because inside he's torn you apart
And even though you lie so still
And try to cry out the guilt
You hide your life with time to kill
Your heart just isn't strongly built
And next time you need him
It will hurt and you might cry
And at times the light will dim
But before you know it time will fly
You'll be all better and ready
Ready and able to let him go
You'll feel great and it'll improve
So go ahead let your heart show
And freedom, it will taste so good.

As You Wish

A loved B but he had to leave to find C, only he was taken captive on a ship called D only to become E. Now he fights his way through F & G, while H is home trying to steal his love. But on his return he finds she has been kidnapped by I, who is only trying to hurt J. So he fights through K & L to save his one true love. To find she's given herself up to M. While fighting back N tries to kill him, but O brings him back. So he grabs P and they storm the castle. While Q is killing R in a battle almost lost, he hurries to try and find S. Even paralyzed and unwell he fights to the brim with no help from T or U. He fights off V and ties him to a chair. In runs W who's just gotten revenge on X and they climb out the window to find Y ready and saddled. Z jumps and they all ride off into the sunset.        
                                                                       And it's all because A loved B.
                 

From This Life

It is 1993 April 22

I never knew how much I would love the air

Or how the first swallow of oxygen would make my heart sing

I didn’t know I would hate the bright light

Or how everyone is so loud

I hadn’t realized how her look would make me feel,

How her touch was the only safety I found

I never knew how much I would love the innocent world,

In all its simplicity, the blue sky and the green grass

I didn’t know I would hate the dirt of people,

Or all the scum that flies in their words

I hadn’t realized the world was so mean,

And that one day they would hate me too

I never knew how much I would love the noises of people,

Or the sound of my own voice when I laughed

I didn’t know how much I would hate rejection,

And the look people give when they’re judging you

I hadn’t realized how soft my soul would be,

Or how gentle my heart could sing

I never knew how much I loved being loved,

And the smiles and laughter of the people I saw

I didn’t know I would hate the smell of war,

Or the pain that people you trust can inflict

I hadn’t realized how hard it would be,

To watch the world go by against my will

I never knew how much I loved my family,

And all their chaos, until it was gone

I didn’t know I would hate how much it hurts,

To watch everything I earned be thrown away

I hadn’t realized I would be so soft,

And that my heart wouldn’t heal so quickly

I never knew how much I would love security,

And the feeling I get when I am safe

I didn’t know I would hate being tossed about,

Like a salad ready to be dressed and eaten

I hadn’t realized I would one day find peace,

And I would know, everything would be alright

Past, Present, Future

When I think of me,

I think of the young girl

The one still looking for herself

I think of that look…

The annoyed, obnoxious look

That people get when I’m too loud

I love that look

I think of laughing with my friends

And beating on my brother,

Crying with my mom,

And lying to my sisters

I think about my dad, who’s gone,

And how he used to be

I daydream about my childhood

And the innocence that I carried

And the purity of my small world

I try to understand all the things

That went wrong when I was young

But it wasn’t me; it’s not all my fault

I think about the future

And that special someone

Whom someday I will get to know

I think about what I will do

And where I will go

I can’t go back and start again

Or retrace my steps

I can’t unlearn the things I know,

Or undo the damage done

But I can guard the things I love

And protect the future I look forward to

Same

Life today is the same tomorrow
In or Out I'm bored and plain
My life seems lost in times play
Cuz Predictability seems to be my game

The Way He Should Be

So your bad at choosing boys,
you let yourself believe its all in your head,
but really your just being used as a toy
and letting your heart be torn to shred.

For a boy who doesn’t even respect you?
Well get rid of him, wipe your slate clean.
You deserve someone who sees you,
the real you, not as a toy but as a queen.

He should hold you when you cry,
put his arm around you with pride
and laugh when your being shy.
He should make you smile wide.

He should make you feel pretty
and tell you how special you are.
He should be cute and wity,
with him you would go so far.

He should hold you tight
and tell you he’s already missing you
when he kisses you good night.
He should look at you with love too.

He’s a guy so he’ll make a mistake
but that's what makes it so much fun.
Sure you’ll cry but your heart won’t break
and in the end you’ll just know, he’s the one.